SEASON ENDING NOTES

MANCHESTER UNITED
POSITION – 1ST
Honours – Premiership title, Carling cup.
POINTS - 90
MVP – Nemanja Vidic
Overall result – A minus
Needs for next season –
• Loyalty from Cristiano Ronaldo or a proper replacement when he pisses of to Real Madrid.
• An injury free season from Owen Hargreaves.
• The maturity of Ben Foster.
• Reduced roles for the old men.
• Midfielder with a passing range
• Realisation that Ji Sun Park, Anderson, Fletcher, John O Shea etc are mere average players at best.


LIVERPOOL
POSITION – 2ND
Honours – Nothing
POINTS - 86
MVP – Steven Gerard
Overall result - B minus
Need for next season
• Sensibility from the manager, Rafa Benitez. Stop warring with Fergie
• Sensibility from the owners
• Don’t let Rafa Benitez buy players
• Less dependence on Steven Gerard

CHELSEA
POSITION – 3RD
Honours – FA cup
POINTS - 83
MVP – Frank Lampard
Overall result – C
Need for next season
• Stability
• Young strikers
• Manageable expectations
• Sensible owner purchases; we know you have the money but you never needed Deco or Shevchenko or Quaresma.
• Don’t buy Emmanuel Adebayor
• Be more expansive which means that Michael Essien and John Mikel Obi don’t start games together.

ARSENAL
POSITION – 4TH
Honours – Nothing
MVP – Andrei Arshavin
POINTS - 72
Overall result - D
Need for next season
• A lobotomy for Arsene Wenger to wipe out the nonsense youth policy he believes will work out sometime in the future
• A central defender, a holding midfielder, some real Alan Shearer like strikers. All should be above 25 years old.
• Sell Emmanuel Adebayor, Abou Diaby, Denilson and Nicholas Bendtner
• If all fails sack Arsene Wenger


EVERTON
POSITION – 5TH
Honours – Nothing
POINTS - 63
MVP – Philip Neville
Mark – B +
Need for next season
• Money for David Moyes to spend
• To be kicked out of Europe early as they can’t concentrate on two major competitions
• Lesser injuries


ASTON VILLA
POSITION – 6TH
HONOURS – Nothing
POINTS - 62
MVP – Ashley Young
Mark - C
Need for next season
• Lesser dependence on English players
• Manager who can coach and win in March and April
• Manager who doesn’t believe his own hype
• A Gabby Agbonlahor who can score at least twice a month
• Getting it up for other teams than Arsenal

FULHAM
POSITION – 7TH
MVP – Brede Hangeland
POINTS - 53
Overall result – B +
Need for next season
• Another brilliant season from Roy Hodgson
• Proper investments from Mohammed Fayed
• Concentration from all players all the time


TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS
POSITION – 8TH
MVP – Aaron Lennon
POINTS - 51
Overall result - D
Need for next season
• Less wheeler dealing, more managing from Harry Redknapp
• Concentrate on the league and not the London league
• Stop believing they are a big team
• A midfielder with a passing range
• Strikers who can score
• Don’t lose 8 games by October.


WEST HAM UNITED
POSITION – 9TH
MVP – Carlton Cole
POINTS - 51
Overall result – B Minus
Need for next season
• Economic stability in Iceland
• Sell the club
• Proper investment in squad
• Proper strikers and midfielders
• If Chelsea sack their manager don’t let Gianfranco Zola join them
• Get rid of Dean Ashton


MANCHESTER CITY
POSITION – 10TH
MVP – Stephen Ireland
POINTS - 50
Overall result – D Minus
Need for next season
• Buy superstars or hardworking players not Craig Bellamy
• Buy players for all positions
• Find a way to win away games
• Get rid of Mark Hughes and get a superstar manager that befits the rich mans toy status of the club.
• Don’t lose Stephen Ireland
• Explain to Robinho that he is going nowhere no matter what he does or say


WIGAN ATHLETIC
POSITION – 11TH
MVP – Antonio Valencia
POINTS - 45
Overall result – B
Need for next season
• Stability in the managers position
• Stop being a selling team at least
• Stop the chairman from speaking



STOKE CITY
POSITION – 12TH
MVP – RORY DELAP
POINTS - 45
Overall result – B +
Need for next season
• Buy some of the good players from Newcastle
• Find another way to attack the 18 yard box besides the throw ins of Rory Delap
• Don’t beat up on Arsenal and then lose to Portsmouth

BOLTON WANDERERS
POSITION – 13TH
MVP – KELVIN DAVIES
POINTS – 41
Overall result – C
Need for next season
• A striker who will get at the end of those knock downs from Kelvin Davies
• Buy some good players from Newcastle
• An adventurous manager
• Survival
• Don’t be scared of Man U and Chelsea

PORTSMOUTH
POSITION - 14TH
MVP - GLEN JOHNSON
POINTS – 41
Overall result – C
Need for next season
• Stability
• Manager with ideas
• Younger players; Kanu is 45, John Utaka is 40, Sol Campbell is slow, David James is 40.

BLACKBURN ROVERS
POSITION – 15TH
MVP – Ryan Nelsen
POINTS - 41
Overall result – D
Need for next season
• New manager
• New manager – playing Chris Samba as a striker is affront to football
• New manager – feeling humiliated by Rafa Benitez after being told to feel humiliated by Fergie is silly
• New manager – chewing gum
• New manager – head set/phones
• Defence


SUNDERLAND
POSITION – 16TH
MVP – KENWYNE JONES
POINTS – 36
Overall result – B
Need for next season
• Stability
• Manager with communication skills
• Stop buying Tottenham and West Ham rejects
• Defence
• newcastle
• The big 4 teams don’t bite, attempt to play them next season

HULL
POSITION – 17TH
MVP – Kevin Kilbane
POINTS – 35
Overall – D
Need for next season
• A manager who doesn’t believe his hype
• A manager who doesn’t generate hype
• A manager who didn’t learn his trade from Sam Allardyce
• Young midfielders
• Players who can play in the winter

NEWCASTLE
POSITION – RELEGATED
POINTS – NOT ENOUGH
MVP – No one good enough
Overall result – incomplete
Need for next season
• Mike Ashley becomes poor and sells the team to survive
• Alan Shearer promises never to visit Newcastle
• Reasonable fans who understand that Shearer is not a god and Mike Ashley owns the team and therefore can do anything to the team
• Get rid of 90% of the playing squad


MIDDLESBROUGH
POSITION – RELEGATED
POINTS – Not nearly enough
MVP – what?
Overall result – incomplete
Need for next season
• A ruthless owner, what is all this nonsense about being the nicst owner in football.
• New manager


WEST BROMWICH ALBION
POSITION – RELEGATED
POINTS - Doomed from day one
MVP – please
Overall result – see the headmaster
Need for next season
• Nothing, they will win the championship and be odds on to go down after one season in the premiership. Nature of the beast.

MONEY TALKS...

Interviewer:
Mr Barry, what are your plans for the coming season
Gareth Barry:
I want to play for a team in the champions league. It is the one competition I cherish above all others. That is where all the top players want to play.
Moneybags:
Why not come and play for Manchester City. We are not in the Champions league and won’t qualify for it next year. But we will give you £60,000 more a week.
Gareth Barry:
That is a good sum of money but I want to play in the Champions league. I thought we will do it with Aston Villa but our gaffer couldn’t buy a victory in two months; letting those southern softies at Arsenal to take the 4th spot.
Moneybags:
At Man City, you will play with Craig Bellamy and that reject from Chelsea, Wayne Bridge. Do you want more money? Robinho plays for us and we bid £104m for a player who can’t find Manchester on the map
Gareth Barry:
I’ll sign.
Interviewer:
So, Mr Barry you are now signing for a team not even in the Champions league. Are you joining them because they are paying you £60,000 a week more than your last pay packet?
Gareth Barry:
What do you expect me to do? I will look for another excuse of going down market; how does the potential of Manchester city sound? What about the chance to play with world class players like Jo and Kelvin Etuhu?
Interviewer:
Good luck Gareth, forget the bollocks and follow the money.